A few weeks ago, the WDW News Today Podcast covered their top 10 original Disney attraction characters. Here at AI, we love lists, love stealing ideas, and we love offering our unqualified opinion, so here’s our list:
10. Buddy Boil, Monsters, Inc. Laugh Floor: I consider him the funniest of the reoccurring characters in laugh floor. Certainly better than that free-loading, joke-stealing nephew, Marty Wazowski.
9. Captain Rex, Star Tours: Another in the long line of high-pitched, incompetent, but very fortunate George Lucas characters (see Jar-Jar Binks, Luke Skywalker). However, at least Rex isn’t whiny and depressing. By the end of the attraction, we’re actually rooting for him, even if secretly praying that we never get him as our pilot again.
8. Bill, Test Track: Played by the great John Michael Higgins, Bill gets a spot on this list even if he just stood there during the pre-show. Bill does more than that though, combining the perfect mix of mid-western charm with psychopathic torture desires. After all, it’s Bill that sends his guests into the acid spray and the crash test. At least he does it with a smile though.
7. The Explorers Getting the Point, Jungle Cruise: The ultimate tragi-comedy situation. Innocent explorers get chased up a pole by a rabid rhino, and what do we do? Make bad puns and laugh. Not humanities best moment…
6. Dr. Marsh, Dinosaur: While she’s trying to run a legitimate scientific time-travel museum, she has to deal with hot-shots like Dr. Seeker hijacking time rovers to bring back dinosaurs. I know funds are probably tight, but perhaps she should use some of the donor money to build a time rover security system that requires more than a few keystrokes to overcome instead of, I don’t know, having ketchup, mustard, and mayo flowing to all parts of the building. I mean, I like ketchup as much as anyone, but I don’t need multiple ketchup faucets in my place of work.
5. Little Girl, Tower of Terror: Little kids make every situation more creepy, and this is no exception. Between her repetitive song, the classic Mickey Mouse doll, and her unnaturally calm demeanor, this girl frightens me by herself, even if I met her on the playground instead of inside the twilight zone.
4. Carlos, Pirates of the Caribbean: Why is it that he refuses to give up his information? And for that matter, what dark secrets does he hold that requires the pirate version of water-boarding to extract? Is he only hiding the location of Captain Jack Sparrow? If so, then what leverage does Captain Jack have over him that would cause him to take repeated dunks in the well instead of divulging the Captains whereabouts? So many questions surround this guy. Don’t be chicken, Carlos.
3. The Mother, Carousel of Progress: Let’s face it, the father in Carousel of Progress is a bit of a loafer. It’s the mother that’s always doing the work while the father sits around being amazed by new technology. Even in the final scene when he’s “cooking” a turkey, mother has to program the oven to accept voice instructions because I guess pressing the temperature buttons is too much effort for him. Even when he cuts the electricity in the entire neighborhood, it’s the son that’s forced to fix it. Hey buddy, get up and do something. Even elderly Ben Franklin does more.
2. Figment, Journey Into Your Imagination: Every time I ride through this attraction, I’m saddened by how they have taken a classic and well-beloved character and turned him into parody of himself and a low-grade one at that. Figment? No, Figment’s still OK, I’m talking about Eric Idle <hey-o>. Don’t tell anyone (especially not AI Marci), but I find the current incarnation of Figment to be a bit annoying. However, he’s still a better character than that second pig on Thunder Mountain, so he makes the list. I hate that pig so much…
1. The Sad Clown, It’s A Small World: He fought the system for years, but eventually lost out to the winds of conformity. The one character in the entire attraction willing to show his true emotions, he provided a beacon of dissent. Who knows what horrors he went through that eventually turned that frown upside down.